The block is physical, energetic- I can feel it at my throat, in my arms and hands, in my mid- section, my pelvis and legs. Feels sometimes like someone is standing behind me- holding me in a vise grip- forcing my head down and commanding me to stop- stop what? Talking? Living? I did stop- I stopped for decades, pushed it down and now it's all coming back- there is no choice. My meditation practice is churning the depths, dredging my psyche and bringing up the unlived, the unresolved, the unexperienced material from my past. I have no idea how to be fully present with these sensations and feelings but I know that I can't run, hide, hold them at bay any longer. Being in this body right now is so exquisitely painful and there is nowhere to go to escape. Even as I sit here writing, I feel frozen with fear and physically as solid as a statue made of marble or granite. Not fully alive- as if someone cast a spell on me decades ago and finally there is some small movement. The mind says relax, but I can't relax. I don't know how to relax this contraction.
The block is mental, too. Many disparaging thoughts telling me not to write, I don't have anything of value to say, who do I think I am, anyway. No talent, so why bother writing at all.
For months I've been aware that I have nothing to offer- no creative ideas, no brilliance or wit. Nothing but this tension and a wild desire to open. Into what? I haven't a clue what might be possible so I have to keep going to find out. I am writing every day- writing in circles- they lead nowhere but the need to write doesn't diminish so I keep at it. God, I'm tired.
Nothing to offer?? You have a great deal to offer. You write with passion, with sincerity, with complete openness and a refusal to compromise or hide. I bow to you and I honour your struggle.
ReplyDeleteI am sometimes seized by a sensation of physical freezing such as you describe. Usually it helps if either I get up and walk about (sometimes consciously shaking my shoulders, arms and hands to loosen them) or I lie down in what is called 'corpse pose' in yoga, flat on my back with arms and legs slightly apart, everything straight and nothing clenched, and just breathe into my whole body until the panicky tight feeling goes away. Perhaps these small techniques might help you?
If I may offer one more small bit of hard-won wisdom (which perhaps you already know)--these feelings are just feelings. They are not you. They are not forever fixed in stone as part of your inescapable destiny. They pass. Recognise them, name them, and don't stick to them. It took me a lot of years, too,
Keep writing!
Bright blessings...
Margaret